Professional Diary of Therapist Elizabeth Harrison

Patient: William Robins

05.17.2024

Today’s session with William went exceptionally well. It feels like we are finally making some progress.

When we first started our sessions, it was incredibly difficult for him to talk about his feelings.

He was completely fixated on the breakup of his long-term relationship with his ex-wife, Jane.

Every session seemed to circle back to her and their life together, as if he couldn’t let go. It was as though he was trapped in a never-ending loop of pain and regret.

Today, however, there was a shift. He talked about his emotions more freely and seemed less burdened by the past.

The exercise I recommended last week really seemed to help him.

I asked him to write down his feelings every day and then read them back at the end of the week.

This seemed to give him some perspective and allowed him to start understanding and processing his emotions better.

There is still a lot of work ahead, but William shows a willingness to work on himself, which is crucial. He has determination, and I can see a spark of hope in his eyes that wasn’t there before.

He mentioned that he is finding it difficult to start meeting new people again, which is completely understandable.

Opening up to someone new after such a painful experience is daunting.

I advised him to take dating sites more lightly and view them as experiences rather than commitments.

He needs to get used to new acquaintances, to learn to trust again, and to believe that he is worthy of love and companionship.

I reassured him that these initial steps are important and that he doesn’t need to rush into anything serious.

As I reflect on our session, I realize that in some ways, I am a bit of a hypocrite. I use an anonymous dating site myself and struggle with my own issues of trust and opening up.

It’s ironic that I can guide William through these challenges, yet find it so difficult to navigate them in my own life.

But then again, perhaps it is this shared struggle that helps me understand him so well.

05.24.2024

Today during the session, William mentioned that he followed my advice last week and started communicating with a woman on one of the dating sites. This is a huge step forward for him.

At first, I was extremely happy for him, as it represents significant progress.

It may seem like a small thing, but I have seen him work towards this point week after week. After the breakup with his ex-wife, he was completely broken.

He didn’t believe in himself, and he certainly didn’t believe that anyone could ever love him again.

For William to start communicating with women again is a major milestone. It shows that he is beginning to rebuild his self-esteem and trust.

I’m glad that my advice is working, and I feel proud of my contribution to his journey.

However, speaking not as a doctor but as a woman, it saddens me deeply that a man like William struggles with self-esteem issues.

He is loving, gentle, and has a wonderful sense of humor. Not to mention, he is quite handsome.

I advised him to be more confident and not to be afraid of online communication. He has nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I wish I could give the same advice to the man I’ve been texting with on the anonymous site. He is very passive and insecure, much like William was at the beginning.

It’s interesting how I can see the similarities between William’s situation and my own.

Perhaps, if I could apply the same level of understanding and patience to my own interactions, things might improve for me as well.

05.31.2024

It was William! The realization hit me like a ton of bricks today. How did I not see it immediately? The woman William started texting with is me!

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been corresponding with him on the anonymous site. How embarrassing, just thinking about what I wrote to him is horrifying.

I realized it was him when he started talking about his progress and how much he enjoyed talking to the mysterious woman. I supported him, encouraging him to continue, but deep down, I was in shock.

The pieces started to fall into place, and I knew I had to face the truth. Thank goodness he doesn’t know. This is awful and so unprofessional of me.

I should have told him immediately and stopped the therapy, but I was scared. It would have been a blow to him, and maybe he would never trust anyone again.

I couldn’t stop him at this moment when he was starting to gain confidence. And honestly, it wasn’t just that. As a woman, I didn’t want to stop communicating with him.

I felt a connection, and it filled a void in my own life. I felt lonely too, and these conversations made me feel seen and understood.

I am ashamed of this behavior, but I kept silent and said nothing. The worst part was that he messaged me on the site after the session.

I still haven’t responded. I don’t know what to do.

How can I maintain my professional integrity while also honoring my feelings? It’s a tightrope I’m not sure I can walk.

06.07.2024

Today, I had another session with William. I still haven’t told him.

He was worried that the communication with the woman had changed, and now he doubts that it was a good idea to reach out online.

I knew about it, but I couldn’t communicate with him the same way as before after I found out.

But I couldn’t completely stop responding either. I wanted to continue communicating, to keep that connection alive.

I am so confused and torn. This was the hardest decision of my professional life.

Before the session, I was determined to tell him that I couldn’t work with him anymore due to a conflict of interest.

This was too much for me; I take my career very seriously and this shouldn’t continue. But when he arrived, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

Next week, I’ll tell him everything. This is more important than me. I mustn’t harm him. My career and professionalism are more important than my feelings.

I am constantly battling with my conscience. Every time I see him, I am reminded of the ethical lines I have crossed.

I know I should have stopped the therapy the moment I realized the truth, but my heart wouldn’t let me.

It’s a struggle between what I know is right and what I feel. I just hope that I can find the courage to do what needs to be done.

06.14.2024

I couldn’t do it again. I prepared myself and didn’t respond to him online all week. I thought this would make it easier to finally tell him the truth.

But when he said that he met another woman named Philippa at a cafe after our session, I stopped.

He didn’t seem upset, and it fixed the situation. He said he was sorry that the woman online stopped responding.

I wanted to explain to him that it was me, but I held back. If he met a new woman, it fixed everything.

I didn’t need to suffer anymore, and we could continue our meetings without violating professional ethics.

But then, why did I almost cry when I heard it? I still can’t stop thinking about it. What’s wrong with me?

I even told him not to give up on the woman online too quickly and maybe she was just busy and would message him back.

I was trying to protect myself! I am awful; there’s no excuse for me.

But I think I don’t want us to stop communicating. No matter what happens, I want him to be with me.

I am caught in a web of my own making, and I can’t seem to find a way out.

I know that continuing this charade is wrong, but the thought of losing him, even as a patient, is too much to bear.

I am scared of what will happen if I tell him the truth, but I am even more terrified of what will happen if I don’t.

06.21.2024

I confessed to him today. I was so scared; my hands were shaking.

The whole session, I sat with my arms crossed because I was afraid he would notice my fear. He talked, and I carefully listened, not daring to tell him the truth.

He spoke about his life and how he arranged a date with Philippa. Hearing this, I almost burst into tears. At that moment, I knew I loved him and didn’t want to lose him.

But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him and changed the subject. I couldn’t believe he almost left and said goodbye when I finally stopped him.

I told him everything, that I was the woman and that I was afraid to talk to him because I was worried he would find out I was his therapist.

The further it went, the worse I felt, and the harder it was to confess.

But now I was sure I didn’t want to be with him as a doctor and patient. I wanted to be with him as a woman.

He didn’t immediately understand what had happened, but eventually, after my explanations, he came back into the office.

We talked, and he understood me. He promised to cancel the date with Philippa but on one condition. No more anonymous chats.

I smiled upon hearing this. Of course, this was the last time we met as doctor and patient.

Even if nothing works out, there can be no talk of returning to therapy. But I have a good feeling. Tomorrow we have a date. This is the last entry in this diary.

As I close this chapter, I can’t help but reflect on how this experience has changed me. I’ve always prided myself on my professionalism and dedication to my patients.

But this situation has shown me that even the most steadfast professionals are human, with emotions and vulnerabilities.

I am stepping into unknown territory, both professionally and personally. Tomorrow, I meet William not as his therapist but as Elizabeth, a woman who cares deeply for him.

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