I was asleep, but the tackling I felt on my face broke through my dreams. Something soft clung to my fingers, and before long, I realized I woke up to my hair cut. There were plenty of uneven clumps scattered all over my pillow.
Scared and confused, I ran towards the bathroom. When I saw myself in the mirror I realized it was way worse than I assumed. My once lovely hair was cut unevenly.
Before long, I found myself crying on the bathroom’s floor, too shaky to be able to stand on my feet.
After a couple of minutes, I went straight to the kitchen, where my husband Caleb was casually having his morning coffee. “Caleb, look at me. Did you did this?” I asked, disturbed and with tears still rolling down my face.
Caleb’s reaction felt too indifferent for something I felt was a huge deal.
“No, honey. Why would I cut your hair?” he said, looking too calm, which only confused me even more. “It had to be Oliver, you know kids do weird things sometimes.”
Crushed, I went to Oliver’s room. “Baby, did you do this to mommy’s hair?” I asked him, not wanting to scare him.
“Yes, mommy, but I didn’t meant to,” he said. “I just wanted a piece of your hair to put it in the box so I can have something to remember you by when you are no longer around,” he said.
“Oliver, what are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere,” I tried to assure him.
“But I heard daddy saying you are. He was the one who told me to keep a box of your things.”
At that moment, all I wanted was to see that box and understand what was really going on.
Oliver opened his wardrobe and pulled out a shoe box. Inside was a photo of our family at the park, the clumps of my hair he cut that night, and a broken necklace I though I lost.
I felt dizzy. What was my husband hiding from me?
“Caleb, what’s with the box,” I demanded to know, not able to control my loud yelling.
It was then that my husband handed me a piece of paper. The words “Oncology referral. Further testing recommended. Malignant indicators,” were written on it.
Caleb looked at me feeling guilty. “I was going to tell you,” he said.
You see, I have always avoided speaking to doctors and left my husband handle all my doctor’s appointments. He has always been the one speaking to the medical staff, while I was trying to avoid the details. I trusted Caleb so much that I put my health in his hands, believing it was what love was all about.
But the moment I woke up to my hair cut and learned the reason behind it was the moment I realized I had surrendered control over my health and was left in the dark.
“Honey, I didn’t know how to share this with you,” Caleb said. “I thought I was protecting you, and I never meant Oliver to learn about it. He must have overheard my conversation with the doctor, so he was asking questions.”
I was aware Caleb only meant to protect me, but I deserved to know the truth right away. He shouldn’t have kept me in the dark, not even for a day, not ever for a minute.
That evening, I spoke to my son and told him that the show box he had didn’t have to be a box of bad memories. It could hold our most cherished moments. We drew a picture of our family as superheroes and placed it inside.
The following morning, I made an appointment with my doctor. This time, I was going all by myself. I had no idea what the outcome would be, but I knew I was ready to face the reality and fight for my life if needed. It was time I took control of my life.
