Mother-daughter relationships can be as sacred as they are complex. In some cases, they might even be detrimental to our mental health and well-being. However, boundaries are important and will minimize the damage. In one woman’s case, the semi-sarcastic, semi-serious obit she wrote for her mom has gone viral, as some can’t believe she would write something like that.
“Flo” Passed Away
When Florence “Flo” Harrelson passed away, her daughter, Christina Mills Novak, wrote an obit that was so unconventional that people questioned whether it was a joke.
A “PSA” Obit
However, Novak explains that she, and most others, had a complicated relationship with her late mother, resulting in the unusual obit. She also notes that she didn’t expect anyone outside of her local community in Maine and her relatives to see the obit. “Let’s be clear. It’s a PSA and it’s no joke. It was written with sarcasm and relief, but it’s real,” Novak, 47, said in an interview. “It was done in four sentences because I refused to spend another dollar on that woman.”
Complicated Relationships
Novak explained that her mom had died months before anyone in the family noticed, highlighting the tumultuous relationships she had. Rather, Novak hadn’t spoken to her mom in over a decade and only found out about her mom’s death after noticing things were “too quiet” and googled her name. She found a death certificate and called her aunt for confirmation. “I messaged my aunt, her identical twin sister, and I’m like, ‘Did Mom die?’ And she’s like, ‘I don’t know,” ’ Novak says. “After some digging, I discovered it was her.”
Childhood Trauma
The obit is a reflection of the difficulties Novak faced at the hands of her mother. For instance, she said that her mother and a former partner played a “prank” on her, grabbing her by the arms and legs and pretending they were going to throw her over. I still can’t drive over a bridge without getting an anxiety attack,” she said.
Writing a “Cathartic” Obit
As such, writing the $1.25 obit was “cathartic,” noting that she ran the obit past her aunt first but didn’t hear back for over 24 hours. When she finally heard back, her aunt commented on a typo. ”She pointed out, ‘It’s destruction, not distraction,’ “ Novak explained.
Questioning Her Motives
She also noted that many people weren’t sure why she wrote the obit. “Some people are like, ‘Why even say anything? She’s dead,’ ” she said adding that because her mom is no longer alive “someone finally has got the power to say something.”
“I think my Uncle Bill would have gotten a chuckle out of it,” she added.
Mother-Daughter Relationships
Although the obit is humorous, mother-daughter dynamics are profoundly impactful, be it positive or negative. Moreover, there are several reasons for friction in a relationship, including different personalities. However, this isn’t the underlying issue. According to JWilliamsCounseling, the underlying problems often stem from expectations and disappointment. “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointments,” says Brene Brown, a clinical social worker and published author.
Disappointment arises when mothers and daughters have unreasonable expectations for one another. Ultimately, both parties feel criticized, judged, or dismissed. As a result, they blame themselves or each other, and emotional needs continue to go unmet.
Strategies for Difficult Relationships
Although navigating tumultuous relationships is tough, some strategies may help address difficult conversations.
- Firstly, learn your family’s history. The past relationship dynamics of the women who came before you will offer insight.
- Secondly, reflect on your triggers. Questioning how you react or what caused your reaction will give you more clarity and awareness, better preparing you for triggering moments in the future.
- Third, make notes. While it may seem silly, writing out a conversation before having it will help you feel more prepared to face the topic head-on.
- Lastly, set boundaries and walk away when necessary. Take a break and revisit a difficult conversation if things become highly emotional.
Note that practices like walking, yoga, or deep breathing have been shown to have numerous healing effects that boost your mood, offer clarity, and help you feel more centered when addressing traumatic or emotional topics.
